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Crazy doesn't even begin to cover it...

Personal, unimportant stuff. If you keep scrolling, well, it's up to you!
("normal" posts in my main blog: lady-bizarre.tumblr.com)
Aug 18 '13

?

I miss people I was never that close to. In my mind we had meaningful conversations. So I avoid talking to them, for they are not the persons I had those conversations with, and reality will let me down. 

Sometimes, not very often, I miss people that made me feel bad, but I struggled to keep in my life, wishing they would change. Now I got them out of my life, and it is the best decision. But every now and then I remember, I remember those little moments when I felt. I felt the whole world in one single moment. Then it was gone, never to return to me. 

Aug 18 '13
"In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude."
Charles Bukowski (via the-beautiful-and-the-damned0)
Aug 18 '13

I have no idea what I came here to say. I feel like my thought keep slipping from my head, and I can’t help it. It may be the depression, it may be the meds, who knows. I just really, really want it to stop. As well as the shaky hands, that make me look nervous all the time. 

Crying. Crying is good, cleansing. Not too much, though, it can mess your ideas even more. 

I miss drinking. I really do. The numbness, the silly and easy laughter, the oblivion. All problems and issues feel so far away. Until morning comes, and hangover comes, and everything is worse. So I smoke some pot to make it better. Well, all that is gone now, if I want to give my meds a chance to help me. 

Therapy. Oh my, therapy. So many feelings, stages, revelations. But mostly, I keep discovering anger, from long ago, that had been buried and hidden in my mind. Now I have no clue what to do with this aggressiveness, it feels so weird, so unlike me…

There is no way I can explain how important music and books have been for me. They have always been, but now in particular. My refuge, my real home, my most loyal friends, the only ones that can stop the noise in my head.  Some authors, some books give me a feeling of belonging I don’t usually have. Belonging where, I don’t know, but less lonely, for sure. 

Two days ago I found my first suicidal letter. It made me cry. It was terribly written and was a mess. I don’t know if someone found it that time. I hope not. Not really, I don’t give a fuck. 

And that is the newest thing I am going through: not giving a fuck. Not about my family, not about my future/career, not about others’ feelings. I think I am getting the ability to shut down my soul for some time. And, gosh, it helps! 

I feel ridiculous, but I feel really identified and close to the characters in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The sadness, the confusion, the love and joy, mixed with tears.

"we only accept the love we think we deserve". that should be my next tattoo. 

Aug 18 '13
"The best kiss is the one that has been exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before it reaches the lips."
Aug 17 '13

Some minor changes in my blogs

Well, I haven’t written in some time now, just pics and reposts. I feel like I should explain, sorta. I decided to post my more personal (read: depressive) stuff here, while I keep my main blog as normal as I can. 

So, yeah, feel free to comment, ask, whatever, I know that many people are going through similar problems, and no-one, I can assure you, no-one will ever fully understand depression unless they had to deal with it. I learnt this the hard way. 

Anyway, getting off topic, as usual, my ramblings, and such will be here to cheer you up!! :/

Aug 17 '13
Not just sometimes… 

Not just sometimes… 

Aug 17 '13
This happens to be so very true, that I feel for the people that can’t find comfort in a good book. 

This happens to be so very true, that I feel for the people that can’t find comfort in a good book. 

Aug 17 '13
Aug 17 '13
Aug 17 '13
Aug 17 '13
"i stopped sending my feelings
to my heart
a long time ago.
why should one organ do all the work?
so i distributed the pain.
I sent my self loathing to my toes
so I could walk it off,
stretch it out,
whenever I needed to.
and i sent the hurtful words
made about my appearance
and my mind
directly to my liver.
i figured it could handle
another toxin.
i sent the unrequited feelings
that left me broken
straight to my bloodstream,
so they could keep
going
and
going.
i sent anger
towards my kidneys
and i shot my anxiety
towards my spleen.
my fingers hold all the lies
ive ever told,
and my nose holds
all the things I wish I had said,
all the things that never quite made it to my mouth.
i gave my heart nothing
but my will to live,
i figured it deserved
to have a little hope."
i dont feel heavy anymore, just free (via amandaspoetry)
Aug 16 '13
"If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is."
Charles Bukowski (via luckyshirt)
Aug 13 '13

Ideas para próximo(s) tattoo(s)

- we accept the love we think we deserve

- hope / courage (2 tats separados, en el costado de las manos, tal vez)

Según el tamaño y ubicación, podrían tener algún dibujo. 

Por ahora son eso, ideas.

Jul 29 '13

Emergency number

Everyone should have an emergency number, an emergency person. That person you know you can count on bailing you out of jail at 4am an a Tuesday, help you move, or go with you to a boring theater play. 

I don’t. I have a lot of those people. One for the bail, one for the moving, and so on. That is good, I think. But, when it comes to an emergency: who do I call? That’s when I realize that no matter how many friends I have, I keep them at bay, and none, does really know me. I won’t let them. 

There is a darkness inside me that I fear will stick to others if I open myself too much. So I have to be my own emergency number, at least, until i find someone strong enough to help me carry all this darkness, and maybe, to shed some light in here too. 

Jul 29 '13

Stuff worth learning

1. Nothing is impossible. Simply learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. –Dalai Lama

2. The past cannot be reversed. Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you. –Jean-Paul Sartre

3. Love is unconditional. At times, our fellows just drive us up the wall. Remember, people, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. –Audrey Hepburn

4. Endless rhetoric or feigned complexities are intimidating for all of us. Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction. –Albert Einstein

5. No one can be everybody’s darling. As the old saying goes, “Once your reputation is gone, you can boldly carry on.”  Trying to look good only limits your life. –Stefan Sagmeister

6. Misinterpretations or misperceptions are inevitable and a part of life.Freedom is … to write the wrong words. –Patti Smith

7. Long-yearned and hard-earned achievements do not necessarily bring about happiness. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. –Dalai Lama

8. Above all, the only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion. –Albert Camus

9. Finally, when life seems utterly unfair: At times, you can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find you get what you need. –The Rolling Stones.